You’re Going to Need a Bigger Dose

Published April 8, 2008

By Alex Townsend

Do you ever get a feeling of impending doom? Sort of like the theme music from Jaws is ominously and constantly playing in the background of your life? Well, you should, because once again the time for finals is close at hand.

It’s all coming back to you now, isn’t it? The late nights of studying, the stress, trying to cram in just one…more…fact, and all those horrid, essay-induced hand-cramps. Suddenly the notes you took all semester seem pathetic. Gah! Why did you spend so much time doodling?

It’s alright though. Calm down. You’ve still got a few weeks before the tests begin. There’s plenty of time to work out a study schedule… and worry about the term papers you also have to do.

Why would anyone invent something as annoying, tedious, and stressful as a term paper? Sure, you can learn a lot by researching and writing them, but c’mon (and you are definitely not pouting as you say this) they’re haaaaard. What could you possibly have to say about Virginia Woolf that would take twelve pages to say?

Okay, you also don’t need to worry about actually turning in the paper for a few weeks (or was it papers? Can you even remember how many classes you’re taking anymore?). Still, that’s something you know you can’t afford to put off very long.

So you go to the library and check out every single book that could possibly relate to your topic. You feel a brief pang of guilt that now your classmates won’t get to have the same research materials, but you brush it off. Somewhere between tediously scanning the options in the library’s catalogue and lugging 50+ pounds of books to your dorm you’ve decided that this isn’t a mere paper; this is a war with no room for mercy. Even if you only wind up using half of these books you’re sure going to have one hell of a bibliography.

Of course, that’s assuming that you ever get a chance to open any of the books. For some diabolical reason your professors are still assigning homework and giving quizzes, despite the increasingly crazed, twitchy looks you give them every class.

But that’s alright! Really! You can easily find time to read a few extra hundred pages every week. You never really liked bathing anyway. Now the only trouble is that the pages of your textbooks are starting to stick together and get crumbs in them since you do still technically need to eat but can’t afford to take a break. The word multi-tasking has become a lifestyle for you.

So now everything is under control. Everything you need to do is getting done, even though you look like a zombie since you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in who knows how long and you haven’t gotten to see your friends in even longer. Who needs friends though? You’ve memorized the noble gases, you can tell a Truffaut from a Godard, and you know so much about Virginia Woolf that you think you might have been her in a former life. No, friends are not what’s needed here. All you need now to be a useful member of society is one thing. What was it again? Oh no! How could you have forgotten?!

Oh wait, that’s right. Medication.

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