News In Brief

Published April 15, 2008

By Max C. Bookman

“Shame on her!”

-A visibly annoyed Senator Barack Obama, casting blame on his Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton for increasingly “bitter” tensions in the week leading to the Pennsylvania primary. The nasty rhetoric between the two candidates has reached an all-time low in a feud that promises to stupefy and embitter Democrats through the remainder of 2008. Obama: So much for those lofty changes. Clinton: Enough, already!

“It’s never a good thing to be buried in cement when you’re in New York.”

-New York Yankees President Randy Levine, making light of the discovery of a Boston Red Sox David Ortiz jersey that had been buried in the cement in the construction of the new Yankee Stadium. Construction workers had been tipped off that someone had buried a Red Sox jersey as a bad omen for the new stadium set to open next year.

“The Chinese security and cops were on me like white on rice.”

-Olympic torchbearer Majora Carter, who was ejected from last week’s San Francisco torch relay after unfurling a small Tibetan flag while running with the torch. The Olympic torch relay has remained a target of anti-Chinese protest as international reaction to many of China’s more unsavory policies continues to overshadow the excitement over the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics that the events are intended to drum-up.

“Fragile and reversible.”

-General (and Congressional Saint) David Petraeus, unveiling the Bush administration’s newest buzzword during testimony before Congress last week. The general stressed that although last summer’s massive escalation of troop levels in Iraq has yielded positive results, those results could go away at any time. Spooky. Maybe we should just never leave. Oh wait…

“We draw straws and the short straw has to sleep with him.”

-A practicing polygamist wife, describing how sleeping arrangements are decided upon in her house. The practice of polygamy has received increased scrutiny this week following the raid of a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints compound.

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