Surfing the Stars with Alex Townsend: Ultra Mega Summer Edition
Published April 29, 2008
Taurus
Behold the strength and majesty of the mighty Taurus! Truly the greatest of all the astrological signs that ever were! And they definitely weren’t involved in any sort of bull-on-chick-in-cow-costume action, so stop asking before you get head-butted by a minotaur. What’s in store for Tauruses in the coming months? Well geez, what isn’t? Glorious grades, perpetually sunny weather, dancing women, and small European nations. Yup, you probably won’t be getting any of those. Don’t worry though, you’ll get something. I have a feeling that your birthday is coming up.
Also in your near future is a possibility for romance. Remember to keep an open mind and heart and great things may follow. Especially if you remember to say that you have an open mind and heart. Chicks love that shit. It makes them grow their feathers faster and thus start laying eggs sooner, thus providing a profitable source of nourishment (which is totally hot).
Now, we don’t usually do this at star-straddling central, but we’ve been sensing an aura of concern around folks born in the summer months. Well have no fear! Just for you this horoscope is about to go into hyper-drive! (Just remember not to peek ahead until it’s actually a new month. We’ll be watching you.)
Gemini
First of all, the stars are pretty much screaming that you’ve got to stop this whole naked, incestuous twin thing. Seriously, pants, they’re the way of the future (just like not looking exactly the same as your lover). For the near future the stars recommend a summer job…of tag-team wrestling!
Get ready! In this corner we have the Terrifying Twosome! They may look innocent, but they’ve only got one thing on their minds and that’s pain! Watch one chew you up and the other induce vomiting so they can eat you all over again!
(Attention: The stars would like to make it known that they are entirely against cannibalism. They just call them as they see them and apparently all Geminis are destined to love their fellow man like so much sizzling bacon. Let’s move on.)
Leo
Man, Leos seem to be everywhere these days, don’t they? Singing about wanting to be king, converting kids to Christianity, and even beating up Tony Tiger in-between takes.
(Are things really that great Tony? Why are you so scared to show your pain?) Leos’ position in the spotlight is only natural. They’re sunny, theatrical people who love attention. What could be more natural?
That’s just what they want us to think.
Damn you, Leos! You may have fooled the masses with your potent charisma, finely chiseled abs, and Wikipedia editing skills, but the stars do not lie! You’ve been bribing Aries for months to look like the timid lamb next to your roaring lion, haven’t you? You’ve been cheating, manipulating, and whining to get your way! You’ve taken all the good sunblock! Oh my God, you killed Cancer!
Well, in the world of Astrological Justice you need to face up to your crimes. The stars in the sky aren’t the only ones who tell fortunes. Right now there’s a bunch of ninja stars foretelling your future as a handsome throw-rug if you don’t clean up your act.
I bet you didn’t even wait until August to read this.
Cancer
We regret to inform you all that this past Saturday the sign of Cancer died at 12:46 PM. Experts attribute its death to years of overdosing on extremely bad jokes about either various cancerous diseases or poorly thought-out puns about crabs. At last the strain became too much to bear and the Cancer constellation imploded on itself. We ask that you all allow this noble sign to be laid to rest in peace because your jokes seriously aren’t funny anymore. Honestly, they never were, but we were at a party and everyone was a little buzzed and… look just drop it alright?
Former Cancers will now fall under the sign of the Trix Rabbit. We have hopes that this may raise the bar of dignity for Cancers everywhere.
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