The Shit List

Published April 29, 2008

By Mac Smith

1. Wesley Snipes
Blade was recently sentenced to three years’ jail time for multiple tax evasion misdemeanors. Immediately following the sentence reading, Snipes subdued three guards with his vampire strength, crashed through the courtroom window, fell three stories and disappeared into the darkness. He was apprehended after a 17-hour manhunt.

2. Hillary Clinton
Clinton now boasts a lead in the popular vote over Barack Obama. The only problem is that she’s counting Florida and Michigan—two states that are not sanctioned democratic parties and therefore don’t count in the primary process. Clinton went even further to say that ABC had announced her lead. If we’re getting into hypothetical politics here, then I’m going to announce my plans right now to run against Hillary for president of the United States of Fantasyland.

3. Tony Zirkle
The GOP candidate for Indiana’s second district took time off from his campaigning for a little downtime: Maybe catch a movie, see a baseball game, go to a museum, or, I dunno, how about attending HITLER’s 119th BIRTHDAY PARTY thrown by local Neo-Nazis…? The St. Joseph County Republicans have since tried to distance themselves from Zirkle. No word yet on exactly why.

4. Penis Theft
In the Democratic Republic of Congo, 12 suspected penis-snatching sorcerers have been beaten to death by angry mobs and 13 more have been arrested. Supposedly, the suspects have been accused of using black magic to shrink or steal people’s genitalia. Congo’s had its fair share of problems in the past, but I think a giant dick witch-hunt should sink it to a new low.

5. Earth Day
On April 22nd, we try to take one day out of the year to go the extra mile to reduce our carbon footprints. We make conscious decisions to recycle, turn the lights out, and drive our Priuses. All of this work so that douchebags can feel like they’ve done their part for one day and liberals feel like they are making a difference. We then go back to raping the planet’s resources for another 364 days. Earth Day is fucking stupid.

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